#62 Say "No" To The Dress...

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Wedding season is here.

With wedding season comes the dreaded shapewear.

Because women’s wedding clothes – both the ones donned by the participants and those of the guests – tend to be clingy.

Revealing every hump, bump, crease and jiggle.

Today’s leading shapewear options largely come from a company called Spanx.

One of the hallmarks of Spanx is an absence of stays and boning and other rigid flesh inhibiting engineering from days gone by. Instead, the company has leaned heavily into the use of boa constrictor fabrics.

I have to admit that I love what a stellar job these bits of spandex laced magic do for smoothing and redistribution of soft tissue.

But getting into them is just about as much fun as actually being eaten by said boa constrictor.

And, on a hot sticky day, the contortions required would challenge even Otgo Waller. (Look her up)

Recently, while donning everything I needed to contain jiggly arms, gelatinous middle and pale-as-a-fish-belly legs, I not only got stuck with one of the top bits on backwards (requiring an extra set of contortions to correct) I split two pairs of panty hose as they stuck to my sweaty legs and refused to move upward..

Luckily I brought three pairs.

After successfully smooshing myself into sausage casing splendor it was off to the fancy reception.

But that was weeks ago and things are getting hotter.

I think I’ll be needing some sort of shoe horn solution for next time.

Maybe something like this from the classic waist cinching scene of Julia Roberts in “Mirror Mirror”.

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Copyright© 2024 Anne Morse Hambrock All rights reserved.

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And…

As I said earlier, it’s wedding season.

Lately, I’ve been thinking a bit about the clothes at my own wedding.

There were lots of decisions to be made about what people would wear.

My dress, the groom’s tux, the bridesmaid’s dresses, the groomsmen’s tuxes, the flower girls’ dresses, my parents, clothes, his parents’ clothes, everything had to be discussed, decided on and, in some cases, fought over.

The two biggest battles with my mother were over my dress and his tux. I wanted him to wear a tuxedo with long tails. For no other reason but the fact that I thought such tuxes looked cool. My mum, a hitherto lackadaisical parent regarding all types of etiquette, surprised me by revealing a sudden fanatical dedication to the rules of Amy Vanderbilt. This turn of events threw us into raging “discussions” regarding what my future husband and I could and could not wear as we exchanged our vows.

Apparently what I wanted him to wear was called a “morning coat” and was only allowable during a morning ceremony. As we were getting hitched at 3:30 in the afternoon tails were an absolute no-no.

I confess that our exchange on this topic got so heated I almost eloped.

My mother relented.

He wore the tails.

When it came to the war over my dress, however, mom was the victor.

At the bridal shop, I almost immediately found the dress I wanted. In my memory it looked very much like this:

Plain white organza or silk or satin or something with a minimal train. Classic. Not fussy.

Problem.

It had a neckline that came slightly off the shoulder. My mother swore up and down that such a revealing gown would not be allowed in their church.

I wound up in this monster – lace and lace and, oh hey, some more lace, and a train you could perch four small dogs on. Single file.

I was livid.

But I was not paying for a scrap of anything to do with the wedding so I did not have much room to argue.

The services of this shop did not include any alterations. The dress was pretty much off the rack.

Which left me with “neck gap” because the top of the collar did not fit right and apparently there was either no solution for this problem or no one cared to figure anything out

Another thing that becomes apparent in photos is that no one thought to trot me off to a salon. My face shows no traces of makeup to speak of and my hair is most accurately described as got-up-and-brushed-it-stuck-two-combs-in-it-plopped-a-veil-on-it. It hadn’t even been professionally cut.

But enough about me.

Let’s move to the bridesmaids.

When it came to the female members of the wedding party I had an ace up my sleeve.

We were working with a shop that let you RENT the bridesmaids dresses.

Let that sink in a minute.

Yes, my bridesmaids were not stuck with dresses they would never wear again but were, just like the men in their rented tuxes, able to walk away from these clothes within 24 hours of the ceremony.

This was HUGE.

And the rent was so cheap that my mother paid for all of it.

Which gave me POWER.

The power to choose whatever dresses I wanted. No trying to please friends and family who are shelling out big bucks for this one-time garment.

Renting also meant I could force everyone to wear these ridiculous hats.

I’d like to say we didn’t think the hats were silly at the time.

But we must have had an inkling because here is my stepfather-in-law sporting one at the reception. (Those are Aunt Luann’s arms. I have no idea.)

While We Are On The Subject

Rooting through photos for this post I found a couple more I’d like to share.

This one is my favorite – it was a candid shot taken by Bob Bahr instead of the wedding photographer and is perhaps the only photo from the day where I have a genuine smiling happy expression rather than whatever that thing is that happens to my face when I try to “smile for the camera”.

Here we all are from the back (note the tails). My memory of this moment is that the minister began by saying our marriage was “made in heaven”. Instead of feeling whatever he hoped I would feel by using this phrase, the reality is that as soon as I heard the word “heaven” I started thinking about heaven and hell and my mortality. I don’t remember if I thought about anything else before he finished saying whatever lovely things he was probably saying.

Our cake was made by family friends who baked wedding cakes as a side hustle. It was gorgeous and delicious. My mouth waters at the memory of it.

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Kenosha Book Festival

I’m happy to share that I will have a booth at the upcoming Kenosha Book Festival on Sunday June 23. Details of the fest here.

I will have the new book!!!!! Come on over and grab a signed copy!

Remember That Leaky Porch?

Back in issue #59 I whined about our leaky porch. It’s getting a makeover. Here is a pic from the demo phase. Stay tuned…

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